It's 2009, I'm sitting in my old bedroom. Everything looks different as if I'm seeing it for the first time. Something about this place feels safe enough to let it out. It's where I used to hide. My Mother is holding me. I'm crying uncontrollably. She is unsure what to say. Neither of us know how we got here. The pains in my stomach have left for now but what frightens us both the most was the only thought I had to give. "I don't know why I'm crying".
Its 2014, I'm watching my son playing in the bath, but I'm not really there. I'm far away replaying memories I'd rather not remember but can't seem to forget. Arguments, bitter mistakes and silly disputes. They play out over and over. It's like I'm watching late night television. My eyes are red and I just can't sleep. I can't let go of these memories. I know what I want more then anything now. It's to be back in this moment again.
It's 2017, I'm sitting alone with my wife for what feels like a long time. The shame, heartbreak and the held back tears are there too. I start noticing things that didn't seem to be there before. Where your sun tan begins and ends, those little marks your glasses make at bridge of your nose and how your eyes look when you realise 'Im back'. I'm not sure how long I've been gone this time or where my mind has taken me. We talk honestly for a while then I feel the shame shadow over me. Because I know my absence feels cold and she needs me more than ever. I think of the things I can do to keep me in this moment, plan to faze out the ones that help me escape it. I pick up my phone and start writing. And for now, I'm still here.